I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long