A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
🚲+physics = winner
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
President The Rock Obama
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.