Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash