[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.