@Classy_Cassy89: I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.
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@VintageBabe1212: Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
@QwertyJones3: Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don't think that's a... Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!