@Classy_Cassy89: I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.
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@jakob_huber: "What's your name?" "I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo's riders-" *Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
@bourgeoisalien: Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?
@MrSpoonicorn: don't you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV
@Tmoney68: Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He's been under there changing the oil for 3 days.