I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough