I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Okay, I’m still confused…
This will teach them to underestimate me
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.