Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
You Might Also Like
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”