i baked you a cake
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”