I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale