I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Why is this me 😫
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I need this for my side hustle.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.