I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.