Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?