I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”