I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Milk Cube
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
this is the best day of my life
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock