I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You Might Also Like
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
how much for the angry fruit?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia