I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us