Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
No, YOUR illiterate.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.