I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
buys donuts instead
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.