@sumpeoplelikeit: I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they'd know our interaction was over.
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@shutupmikeginn: Internet Explorer: so about last night Me: Oh, i used you for flash. IE: Are we back together, am i your default? Me: don't make this weird
@YeahDrewisOn: My girlfriend is: - super sweet - light as a feather - pink - melts in my mouth when I eat her - always at a circus - possibly cotton candy
@ibid78: Rookie cop: "But sir, why would man's laughter be a crime?" Chief: "ffs kid, it's one word. Manslaughter."
@Billhenry16: I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it: "I wish my Wife was this Dirty".