I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.