@Jake_Vig: I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We're redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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@amishschool: My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word "slimming", I explain to the other homeless people.
@tastefactory: *picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
@FattMernandez: Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
@nbadag: [me giving tour of city landmarks] and on your left you'll see a corgi in a bandana—he's not part of the tour but let's go get a closer look