I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.