I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
You Might Also Like
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My whole life was a lie.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it