me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”