I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
This meeting could have been a cake
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Cheer up.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while