Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
それは草
welp
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*orders delivery*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence