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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.