Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Bike for sale
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look