I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
You deplete me
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks