I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
You Might Also Like
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Bed should get ready for ME
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Go girl power!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!