I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
How does one answer this?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.