You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
no!! no!!!!!!
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!