I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.