I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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I have never related to anyone more.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
sistine chapel
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did