I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.