@noog: I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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@Parkerlawyer: Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, "I love you too!" while hanging out of the sunroof. Me, 1 Kids, 0
@mynameisntdave: JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat
@Douchekevin: I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
@generaldietz: NEMESIS: i hate you ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend NEMESIS: so can you stay the night? ME: i'll ask my mom