@Brianhopecomedy: I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
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@thenatewolf: Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken...
@Tmoney68: I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
@rodney_at_large: If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don't preface them with "and lastly".
@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance