I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Good news
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Batman v Dracula
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.