Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty