I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
You Might Also Like
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
They’re really bad with fonts.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
dude it’s called proctologist
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”