The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.