@UNTRESOR: I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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@PopSlapFunk: 5: "Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants." Me: ... 5: ... Me: "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Job's all yours."
@DanMentos: “Hello, 912” wait did u say 912? “yup” I meant to dial 911 “happens all the time” lol I’m such a goof “haha right?” my neighbor got stabbed
@KKAlThani: *trips a girl and catches her* Haha looks like you're falling for me *winks* *gets slapped*
@RdrJay47: Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing? Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn't know, it's french.