I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest