@rickolantern: I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.
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@goodtimenoel: Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can't be leaving DNA all over the place.
@dafloydsta: I lost my job today "What? How?" I just wasn't a good housekeeper "BUT YOU'RE A BEEKEEPER" Well that explains all the screaming
@MatCro: [phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@DominicGraz: I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.