I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
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[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me irl
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days