[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Stop.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.