I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah