I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.