I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
You Might Also Like
United Steaks of America
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex