I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
You Might Also Like
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.