@mattgallo123: I wish they'd just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "alright!".
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@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
@Parker_Simpson: When I'm backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
@Bearslietoo: Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.