I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on