This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
put ‘er there pardner!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.