Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷