@dumbbeezie: I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s
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@Sassafrantz: Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt.
@daemonic3: [at funeral] FRIEND: I'm sorry for your loss ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn't get injured FRIEND: I meant for your wife ME: It's ok, now she'll never know I lost
@_coryrichardson: wife: don’t be weird, just talk to him about it me: ok [later] me: so, you have a gf now? haha. cool, well listen son... girls are uh.. girls are like *looks around room* alarm clocks. You shouldn’t have sex with them... but if you do, use a condom